A Voyage with the Family Guy
by The Cheshire Cheese
Summary: Stewie Griffin builds a time machine to conquer the future. He soon succeeds in taking over the Borg Collective, and (unfortunately) it's up to the ragtag crew of Voyager and the buffoons of the Griffin Family to save Cohawk, Rhode Island...and the rest of the galaxy!
1. Last Time on Star Trek: Voyager

I don't own Star Trek, Family Guy, The Matrix, The Fast and the Furious, CSI, or any other shows I spoof in this story. This story is told FAMILY GUY style; it's random, has flashbacks that don't make sense, etc. I just imagined everybody in Family Guy animation when writing this, but you can think of it however you want I suppose. Hope it's as funny as my sister thought it was…

_**Last time, on Star Trek: Voyager…**_

"Katheryn," Chakotay bent down and took a small box from his pocket. "There's something I need to tell you."

"Yes?" Captain Janeway said quietly, standing against the wall of her ready room.

He slowly opened the box …and whipped out a Kliongon dagger!

He threw her against the wall and brought the knife to her throat.

"Surrender your ship, now! This is a mutiny!"

Janeway's response was a kick in the nuts. While he was down (and gasping for breath), she snatched the knife and dove through the glass window, using him to kick off and squashing him to the floor in the process. She laughed manically! …Until she realized that she'd just jumped into open space. Then she started to gag.

-----

Tom Paris wore an expression of fierce determination as he raced his bright purple car down the night streets of Tokyo, his three bling-bling medallions flying in the wind. B'Elanna was gaining on him in her hot-pink Toyota, and Harry Kim's black Jaguar was in the lead. All three were dressed like rappers.

"Look! The bridge!" Harry gasped.

An enormous drawbridge loomed ahead of them. All three accelerated. B'Elanna shoved her dreadlocks out of her face as she smacked her pink car into Tom's, making a loud screeching noise. Tom hit back, sending the surprised Klingon spinning into Harry, and knocking both out of the way so he could pass them. He turned around to laugh at them, and flip them the bird. Harry and B'Elanna- still driving- glared at him for half a minute. Then they both stopped, and their eyes went wide. Confused, Tom turned back to his windshield, and saw it.

The drawbridge they were about to cross was opening.

An enormous tugboat was floating through (with a black-and-white Mickey Mouse whistling behind the helm).

The three drivers accelerated up the slanting half of the bridge, desperate to win the 60-grand. Tom's purple car flew across first. He screamed the whole way. Once he was riding down the other slanted side of the bridge, he laughed and screamed back, "SEE YA ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FINISH LINE, _BEE-YAACH!!_"

B'Elanna's dreads flew strait up as she followed. "WHOOOHOOOOO!"

Harry's Jaguar shot off the first half just after she'd landed on the second. He yelled "YEEHAAAAA_AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!!!!!"_

The drawbridge had finished rising; the other side of the bridge was sticking strait up, like a wall. Harry crashed into in and exploded.

-----

The Doctor and Seven of Nine sported white lab coats in a CSI laboratory. On the table in front of them was the bloody body of Kes (curly haired), in a black sparkling dress with red ruffles. Her tongue was hanging far out and her eyes, one wide open and the other half closed, were askew.

"…so whoever killed her, Doctor, must have been at the Club that night." Seven said, thoughtfully.

"And look at the insignia on the knife;" The Doctor added. "B.J. Giver."

Seven's eyes widened. "B.J. _Giver_? My g-d, that's my-" the camera zoomed in on her. "my _son's teacher_!"

Now the dramatic background music was at its peak.

Spiderman was tied up on a couch, in Harry Osborne's mansion. Lightning and thunder clapped outside the window. Bitterly, Osborne swiped a dagger from the table and approached the super hero.

"I wish I could give you the pain you've caused me. I just want to look into your eyes, and watch you die." He drew the dagger from the sheath. "Let's see who's behind the mask."

He grabbed Spiderman's mask with his free hand, and yanked it off…

**And now the conclusion**

Osborne's rage switched to shock. "Wha- what the hell?"

Quagmire tore off the Spiderman costume. He jumped on the couch and began to dance.

"Giggiddy giggidy giggidy!"

And then, with a silver flash, he turned into Q.

Q laughed. "Just kidding!"

Then he vanished into thin air.

(Voyager's theme song would now play.)


	2. Who Else But Quagmire!

A/N: The Griffins DO meet Voyager in this chapter.

Lt. B'Elanna Torres strolled into astrometrics and folded her arms. "What've you got?"

Seven of Nine turned to the screen. "There's evidence of Bo-"

"_Giggiddy giggiddy goo!" _

B'Elanna looked up sharply.

"Lieutenant?"

B'Elanna didn't answer right away. "Did you hear…" she shook her head. "I'm tired. Go on,"

Seven continued, "I have found evidence of Borg activity in the area of space we are about to enter, as well as-"

"_GIGGIDDY GIGGIDY!"_

This time it was much louder, and followed by and snicker. Both women heard it, and exchanged glances. Before either of them could call security however, the captain's voice came over the com. system.

"All senior officers to the Bridge!"

The ship was on Red Alert for the fourth time in four weeks. Apparently Seven was right; dead ahead on the view screen was a Borg armada. Seven and B'Elanna entered the Bridge just as the collective finished announcing, "Resistance is futile". Captain Janeway nervously sipped her coffee, then set it back down in the cup holder on her chair.

"47 Borg cubes ahead of us," Harry Kim reported, trying and failing to keep his voice from squeaking. "Two vessels from Species 8472 are behind us, 61 Kazon ships to our left, 88 Hirogen to the right, Vidians below us, and above us an anomaly that eats starships."

"Nothing out of the ordinary at least." B'Elanna muttered, with a roll of her eyes.

"Your orders, Captain?" Tuvok stated in the most boring way that he could.

"There's only one thing we _can_ do." Janeway said quietly. She stood up. "Chakotay, get out the Wonder Twin rings."

"Captain I don't think-" he began.

"That's an order!"

Sighing, he took the two rings out from under the two command chairs. They put them on and pressed them together.

"Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form of…steam!"

Nothing happened.

"Kathryn we got these in a box of Frankenberry."

As the captain began to demonstrate panic and hysteria (sipping coffee every four seconds or so while the first officer stared at her, unmoved) Tom Paris suggested, "Why don't I just take us through the Kazon, they suck anyway."

"WE'LL HAVE TO SET THE SHIP TO SELF-DESTRUCT!" (a gulp of coffee) "THERE'S NO WAY OUT-"

"Okay I'm taking us through the Kazon."

After easily blowing all 61 Kazon vessels to Kingdom Come in less than a minute, Tom and Harry screamed

"Touch down!" and performed a long and complicated secrete handshake. Janeway stopped her panic attack when B'Elanna casually smacked her across the face.

One paragraph later, they were in the Ready Room.

"I think this calls for a celebration!" Neelix declared.

-----

In the Mess Hall, the entire crew stood in front of a fancy dinner table, each with a glass of champagne (until Ensign Wildman swiped Naomi's away) to celebrate their narrow escape. The fine table setting and dress uniforms compensated for the sight (and smell) of Neelix's cooking. There was even a random ensign working as the butler, holding the main course in a large dish.

"Gee Neelix," Harry said. "I sure hope nothing happens to ruin your fancy dinner party!"

Suddenly, the ensign serving as butler tossed away the dish and ripped off his uniform! Samantha covered her daughter's eyes, but luckily the guy had a Hawaiian shirt and pants underneath. To everyone's horror (Neelix's especially) he jumped up onto the table and began dancing around like a maniac.

…**_who else but QUAGMIRE!_**

_**It's Quagmire! Quagmire! **_

You never really know 

_**What he's gonna do next,**_

It's Quagmire! Quagmire! 

"_Giggiddy gigggiddy giggiddy giggiddy_ let's have sex!"

_PUNCH!_

B'Elanna's fist sent Quagmire across the room and into the wall. She ran over and smacked him across the face ("Oooo!"), kneed him in the gut (_Wheeze)_, grabbed him by the arm and flung him over into an empty tableand slugged him again on the chin. Seven twisted his arm and shot him a few times with her with her phaser.

"This is the intruder from astrometcics!" she affirmed.

"Who are you and how the hell did you stow away aboard my ship?!" Janeway demeaned, seizing Quagmire by the shirt.

He smirked, but before he could start hitting on her, someone gasped "Captain!"

Everyone's attention was now fixed on a shimmering blue-and-purple light inside the oven that Mr. Neelix had just opened…

…Stewie Griffin paced menacingly around his room, in Cohawk, Rhode Island 2006, rubbing his tiny hands together with relish.

"At last Rupert," he told his faithful henchmen teddy bear, "My time machine is complete!" He turned around and admired a crudely-build metal gateway, filled with that same blue-and-purple light. "At last I shall finally travel 200 years into the future and conquer the universe! And kill Lois as well! I am brilliant, _ingenious! _Absolutely- what's that?" he suddenly stopped, and grabbed Rupert by the shoulders. "What do you mean someone's already been through my portal?"

The young evil genius whirled around and looked again. On the floor, just outside his portal, was a Playboy magazine and an empty binoculars case.

"NO! Rupert, how could you let this happen?! You worthless fool, he could warn them of my plans!"

"Stewie," Lois said, opening the door. "It's time for your bath…"

"Oh well there's no time now," Stewie muttered to Rupert. "we must get in there before that bastard ruins everything!"

He took Rupert by the paw and vanished into the portal.

Lois gasped. "Oh my gawd! _Peta!_"

Peter, Brian, Meg and Chris were there in literally less than a second.

"What the hell did that little cretin do now?" Brian asked dryly.

Lois told them.

"Holy crap!" Peter exclaimed, then pointed. "That's my magazine! I loaned it to Quagmire last year and he never returned it to me! _Jerk_."

"Ooo, pretty light!" Chris smiled, and ran on into the portal.

"CHRIS!" the rest exclaimed.

"That's it. Two a' my children have disappeared into that thing, we have to go after them!" Lois declared, and ran in after Chris.

"Woa boy," Peter smacked his face before following, "This could turn out to be more dangerous than the time my great-great-uncle accidentally discovered Zoro's secret identity!"

In the desert of California, a de-masked Zoro and a man who bore a striking resemblance to Peter had been knocked to the ground. Their horses and the great-uncle's wagon had their reigns entangled in some cactuses a few yards behind them. Zoro's ripped mask lay a few yards away. He sat up and drew his sword.

"Now that you know my secret identity, I shall have to kill you!"

"No no wait, I promise I wont tell anyone! In fact I won't even remember I…I got short-term memory loss!"

"Do I have _estupido_ written across my face?"

"No really! I-" he paused, then stuck out his hand. "Why hello there sir, nice to meet you! What's your name?"

A second later he was headless.

-----

"Where did he come from?" The Doctor asked, picking the strange baby up.

"_Put me down you jackasses! You will all die in agony_!!!" Stewie hollered and kicked.

"Stewie!"

Four other people and one dog had now just climbed out of the glowing oven and into the Mess Hall. Stewie was only more infuriated to be handed back to Lois. "_No no no_! You are all ruining my plan! Rupert, do something!!"

"It must be some kind of time portal!" Harry said wide-eyed, scanning the gateway.

Janeway dropped Quagmire. "No_, really?_ I think George W. Bush could've figured that one out Ensign."

Harry ran away crying. Janeway greeted their new visitors. "Welcome to the 24th century…" Stewie took the opportunity to crawl over his mother's shoulder, hop down and scuttle away. "I'm Captain Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager, the first ship to explore the Delta Quadrant, twelve-time defeater of the Borg-"

Peter gasped. "You mean…We're in the _future_?"

If this were on TV the camera would have zoomed in on his face now.

He started running all over the ship and causing mayhem; riding the engineering elevator up and down repeatedly (faster and faster each time), or yelling "Whaddoese this button do?" and then pressing several at a time. The rest followed, trying to stop him. Or in Chris's case, to laugh at how fun running was and then stop abruptly at the warp core to mutter, transfixed, "That's a big lava lamp." By the time Peter reached the bridge he'd managed to cause two small explosions, killing 11 crewmen.

-----

Stewie stood on several crates while he hacked into the small computer in Seven of Nine's cargo bay. He was meddling with the Captain's Log, looking for any information he could use to his advantage.

" coffee…sex with Mark….but not as good as coffee'… Isn't there anything useful in this infernal- Why hello, what's this?"

He was looking at an entry displaying pictures of the Borg. He'd found what he was looking for.


	3. Victory is Stewie's

Disclaimer: Don't own any of this stuff. And I'm sorry this story is so choppy, and the chapter titles are so odd. I wrote this originally as a B-Day present for my sister, and it was just one long story with no chapters. When I decided (with her permission) to post it, I had to break it up and come up with chapter titles that would help everyone tell what happens in which chapter.

"WOA, you got a big screen TV!" Peter said staring up at the view screen. "And recliners too!" He hoped into the captain's seat. It crushed beneath him.

"_Hoh Lord_." Brian smacked his face with his paw. "I'm really sorry about my friend here." He said, turning to Chakotay. "He's usually not like this you know; this is actually one of his smarter days."

"You think you have problems?" answered Chakoaty (to whom talking to fuzzy animals was nothing out of the ordinary). "I've been sitting next to this dumb-ass cracker caffeine addict for six goddamn years! She's the idiot who got us lost here in the first place. It's no wonder I did pot back in Season One!"

Season One. Chakotay, B'Elanna, and a panicky Harry were investigating a cave of alien corpses; it was that awful episode "Emanations"(if that means anything to you).

Chakotay, in a very stoned-hippie sounding voice, said, "I believe that we should respect these aliens and their culture, 'cuz that's groooovy!"

Then he fall over face-first (Family Guy style). Harry screamed and ran in circles, until B'Elanna punched him in the face and he too fell unconscious.

"Well that's a shame," Brian said. "Martinis are much better."

"Don't think I've ever had one of those."

"What?! You've never had a martini?"

Meanwhile, Janeway had had enough.

"That's it!" She snapped at Peter. "Now I want your butt transported back to the olden days, before the time-line gets-"

"Captain!" It was Harry again.

"What is it Ensign."

"Well it's your rank on the ship -" he dodged her fist and continued quickly, "I tried contacting Earth with the Pathfinder again, like we usually do, but look what's happened!"

Hitting several buttons with his pointer fingers, he turned on the view screen. An image of Earth appeared…completely assimilated! All sizes and varieties of Borg vessels orbited it.

"Hey, Hardwar Wars is on, I never got ta see the end of this movie." Peter commented.

("See that's what I'm talking about." Brian said to Chakotay, who raised an eyebrow and nodded.)

"My G-d!" Tom gasped. "The Borg must have traveled to the past and assimilated Earth! This is exactly what happened to Picard and the crew of the Enterprise back in 'First Contact'!"

"But I guess they're all drones now, too." Janeway said gravely.

The crew of the Enterprise was, indeed, drones.

"Captain, I sense something is terribly wrong."

Dr. Crusher of Borg smacked her. 

Troi screamed. "Beverly, I sense hostility from you."

"Can you blame me? For G-d sakes, my kid is Weasly!"

While Riker was hitting on the Borg Queen, Geordie and Data looked miserably around at their surroundings.

"Well", Geordie said, "at least we don't have to listen to Jean-Luc quoting Shakspea-"

"…weather tis nobler to live, or to take arms against the sea of troubles and by death…"

"AAAGH!" Geordie, covering his ears, ran to Engineering and cast himself into the warp core.

"Wait a minute," B'Elanna unfolded her arms. "I thought the time gateway was in Neelix's _oven_. How the hell are the Borg fitting their vessels through there?!"

In the nearest Borg transwarp hub, her comment, along with everyone on the Bridge, was seen on a small round screen; the collective had hacked Voyager's view screen.

"Yes," the Borg Queen sneered, "How did I fit my cubes through? Well I couldn't have done it without your shrink machine Stewie!"

In Voyager's mess hall, a window was broken behind the glowing oven. A line of Borg cubes the size of dice was flying through and into the portal.

"As soon as the cubes enter the past, they'll resume their previous size and assimilate Earth!"

"Yes yes, thank you your highnessness, but what about my reward?" Stewie asked testily.

"Oh, right. Here you go." She handed him a fifty.

"No you gizmo bitch, I was to become Borg King! WE HAD A DEAL!"

"We deal with no one, resistance is futile!"

With that, she stuck her assimilation tubes into his neck!

Stewie's face paled, and small tubes and implants appeared all over him. A spidery Borg wheel erupted on his cheek, and his huge right eye became a huge right green flashlight. But that's not all that happened. The Queen's manic laughter was interrupted by her gasp.

"The others! Their- their voices are fading, I can't hear my drones!"

Stewie grinned, and held up a vial. "Must've been something you assimilated." He ran to the edge of one of the catwalks and announced to the collective, arms outstretched, "I AM YOUR RULER NOW!"

"_NOOOOOOOOOO_……" the X-Borg Queen collapsed into a useless heap of metal, and was no more.

"But I don't understand," cried Lois, "What _are_ the Borg?"

Seven did the honors. "I was once Borg. They are a race of creatures, half humanoid, half machine, who assimilate other races into their own collective. When you are a drone, your individuality is lost forever. Everyone thinks and acts the same thing at the same time."

"So…" Meg thought, "If you were stimulated,"

"Assimilated." Tom corrected her.

"Assimilated, you'd never have to worry about being a dork, 'cuz you'd be the same as everyone! I guess. Hehe." She added lamely.

Everyone was now staring at her with those half-closed eyes, so she changed the subject. "What do we do now?"

"Well it's obvious. Someone's got to travel back in time, and thwart the Borgs' plans!" Janeway pounded a fist into her other hand. "But it'll be dangerous. Whoever does this could be assimilated, lost in the past forever, or killed!"

"Exactly!" Peter declared. "And I vote Meg goes." He pointed to his distressed daughter.

"I'M the captain here, Tubby! Tuvok, assemble an away team."

"Aye Captain. Let's see, you, you, you, you two are pretty expendable, you two seem so too, we will need you, and I think that's good."

He had pointed to two crewmen, Naomi, Tom and Harry, Meg, Chris, and B'Elanna.

"My lot in life is to suffer." Meg ran into the turbo lift sobbing.

"Listen Fat Man," Janeway pointed to Peter, "I am the captain on this ship, so from now on you will do as I say."

"Scew you, I'm the prime minister of Earth!"

"Ooo, I wanna be the vice president," Chris yelled as B'Elanna dragged him behind her and the rest of the team.

"Chris, don't forget ta brush your teeth," Lois called just before the doors closed.

Janeway and Peter started having a fistfight.

"This is ridiculous, we can't save Earth until we can work together," Brian tried.

"Someone's got to start trusting someone else," Chakotay suggested.

Peter pinned Janeway down and yanked some of her hair. She rolled them over, knocked him against the piloting consol, and gave him the John Wayne punch.

"It's not working." The first officer said.

"Yah. These people are all idiots. Let's blow this place and go to the Drunken Clam."

"The what?"


	4. Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition!

The away team was now situated in the Delta Flyer.

"Prepare for departure." Tuvok said dully.

"Preparing for departure!" Tom said with enthusiasm.

"Are we in a rocket ship?" Chris asked.

Harry had to hold back B'Elanna's fist.

"_As if having to put up with Neelix every day wasn't bad enough!" _She hissed.

They flew through a few walls and halted in the Mess Hall in front of the glowing oven.

They saw the broken window, and the last tiny cubes fly though it.

"Oh, this explains a lot." Tom muttered.

They somehow managed to fit the Flyer into the oven. They squeezed out in the Griffin house, or what was left of it.

"Our ceiling's gone!" Meg cried. "And the rest looks like the fifth grade snow fort I was part of after the fourth and sixth graders who we'd been stealing snowballs from were finished with it!"

000000

An 11-year-old Meg and all the other kids in her grade worked on their enormous snow fort, merrily plucking stolen snow-boulders from the huge piles. In the background, not a soul was to be seen on the deserted playground but a few more fifth graders, running back and forth to the other smaller forts and returning with large snowballs.

"Sure is quiet today," Meg said, tightening her Gryffindor scarf.

"Mff," said a buy in an orange hood. "Muffle muffin mff muff."

"Hey yah," another boy said. "I haven't seen or heard from the fourth or sixth graders either. I wonder wha-"

The ground suddenly began to shake. Meg looked up, and dropped her snow boulder.

There was a feint cry of a thousand voices. Over a distant hill, the fourth and sixth graders poured over on horseback, waving their hats and scarves like swords. A hawk flew overhead and music from Disney's "Mulan" played from nowhere. The fifth grades tried driving the attackers away with snowballs, but the fort was being pummeled, and so were they.

After half a minute there was nothing left of the fort but its sad ruins. The attackers started retreating, leaving it's battered owners scattered around in the snow. Meg, who'd been lying face-first, weakly pushed herself up and called to one of the leaving kids, "Wait, Andy, aren't _you_ a fifth grader?"

"Yah, that's what you ass-holes get for stealing the head off my snowman!" he took a chunk of snow, gave her a face-wash, and hurried off.

"_TRAAAITOOOR_!" Meg hollered after him.

000000

"Oh no!" Chris cried, looking at his blown-up closet. "This means the monkey's loose!"

Naomi raised her eyebrows. "You have a monkey?"

They flew through the ruins of Cohawk. Borg ships were flying overhead, and drones strolled the perimeter like zombies. The team searched for survivors; most of the buildings that were still standing were boarded up.

Naomi suddenly gasped. "Look!"

"What?" the others all asked.

"Is it breasts?" asked Chris.

B'Elanna did hit him that time.

"_You'll never get me alive, you communist bastards!_"

It was the mayor, Adam West! He was fleeing several drones on the rooftops of some small stores, occasionally shooting back at them with a small revolver. Tom started shooting the drones down, but as he did Chris saw what he'd been dreading, right on the view screen.

It was the monkey.

It screeched, jumped up and down several times, and finally pointed at Chris with a wicked scowl.

"AAAAAAAAGGGHHH!" Chris covered his eyes and ran until he knocked into Tom, who fell face forward onto the control panel. The Delta Flyer went spiraling down and crashed onto the brick roof below.

Tuvok, Seven, Tom, Harry, Chris, Meg, B'Elanna, Naomi, and the remaining crewmen scrambled out of the burning shuttle.

"Tuvok to Voyager. Delta Flyer has been destroyed. Again."

"Where'd that guy go?" Naomi asked, looking around.

One drone was left, and it was still chasing the mayor. They were on the same roof the team was now on. Adam West dashed over to a small door on the roof (the kind that leads to a staircase) and vanished inside. He came out a similar door, on the roof of a building that was just in front of this one. He laughed at the drone. Running to the edge of the roof, the drone leaped a mile in the air, over the traffic some thirty stories below, and landed on the other side.

Seven ran to the edge and followed, Matrix style. After rolling to a halt she pulled out a phaser, said "doge this," and shot the last drone dead- but not before West had been stuck with assimilation tubes.

"We may be able to repair-" she began, but he shook his insane head.

"You know what happens after they sting you…but they're not assimilating me. Not today!" Laughing like a lunatic, he ran to the end of the roof. Tom and Harry came running out of the door West had arrived in, and tried to catch him. He jumped off just before they could, leaving the two dangling halfway over the roof.

"Hey, a pub!" Tom pointed down at the glowing sign: _The Drunken Clam._ Like so many other buildings around, its door was locked and its windows boarded up. The others ran over to them.

"I wonder if-" Harry began but a hand clapped over his mouth.

"Shh!" Joe said, taking his hand off. In the other he was holding a rifle. He said quietly but quickly, "It's not safe up here, the zombies are everywhere!"

"Joe!" Meg said.

Joe was not on the roof, but sitting across from Harry and Tom. His wheelchair was actually on the head of an elephant.

"We have to get inside. Hurry."

They all piled onto the elephant, who lowered them down in front of the pub. Joe knocked on the door. Cleveland's slow voice was heard.

"What's the password?"

"It's peanut-butter-jelly time," Joe whispered, and the door opened.

They piled inside and Clevland slammed the door shut behind them. Half the town seemed to be hiding in here. Many people were armed with bats, guns, or in one case, a live penguin. Tuvok tapped his com. badge and boringly informed Voyager of the situation. Naomi, Meg, and Chris went to hang out with some kids from Meg's school. Since B'Elanna and Tom were making out under a table, Harry decided to try out the bar. Brian and Chakotay were already at the counter, drunk off their asses. A huge pile of empty martini glasses sat between them, half of it on the counter and half on the floor.

Brian was laughing, "…so then the auctioneer goes, uh, 'and now, the actual boat itself!' And of course Peter bought it immediately and got us bankrupt."

They both thought this was far more hilarious than it really was, and Brian ordered another round of drinks.

"Okay okay here's one; we run into this ship whose captain's name is _Ransom_, and Janeway just trusts him completely…"

Naomi and Meg sat down next to Brian. Meg liked Naomi; they were friends now. But introducing her to popular kids had not gone over very well.

"Oh my gawd, why does she have horns on her face?" They all had walked away laughing them.

Ironically, Naomi was sad only for a minute, whereas Meg was the one that was really cut. She wished more than ever that she had the power to turn invisible.

"Don't worry," Naomi said, "There's still other stuff to do here. We can go ask Chris if we can play with his monkey!"

("AAAAGGGH!")

"Uh, yah," Meg shrugged.

Naomi ran ahead to a table in the back to play Shoot-and-Ladders with the monkey. Meg however sat down at the bar and rested her face on her hands, starring at the countertop. Just then, she heard a quiet, but wicked voice from below her bar stool.

"So, what's your problem this time, Child Woman? What is Teenage Drama Queen upset about now? Afraid of all the big scary robots attacking the city, or just depressed that they haven't managed to kill Lois and the Fat Man yet?"

Meg looked down next to her and shot up strait on her stool. "Stewie? Oh my g-d, what happened to your face?!"

Stewie, now with a black outfit to go with his cybernetic implants, was leaning coolly against the counter wile eating an apple.

"_Oh my g-d, what happened to your face_?" He mimicked. "I'll tell you what happened, I'm the new ruler of the Collective and soon to be ruler of the entire galaxy! And," his voice went from menacing to deceptive and seductive, "I couldn't help overhearing that little row you had with your classmates about Horn Beast."

"Oh piss off. Mom's probably looking for you anyway."

"Very well, I suppose you don't want my help then."

"What help?" Meg demanded.

"Oh nothing. I just thought you'd like to know how you and your friends, however misshapen, can fit in with everyone else in the universe no matter what."

Meg unfolded her arms, and looked around to see no one was paying attention to them.

"How?"

"How do you think, fool? I'm trying to assimilate Earth. Help me, and I guarantee you'll never stand out anywhere again."

"I'm in." Meg whispered. "What can I do?"

"Help me assimilate Voyager of course. The next time I attack, you'll be onboard and you will shut down their weapons, their shielding, or that giant lava lamp of theirs. Do anything in your power to make sure that they lose!"

"Okay!"

"Stewie, what in all the realms of Hell are you up to now?"

Brian and Chakotay seemed to have sobered up as soon as they saw Stewie.

Stewie scoffed and rolled his eye. "What is it with everyone asking all these questions today? I just came here to have and a perfectly innocent chat with my sister at the Drunken Clam. I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

The door burst open (crushing Cleveland) and four Spaniards in sombreros and crosses with outrageous handlebar mustaches marched in.

"_NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION_!"

"DUCK!" Joe shouted, pulling out his rifle and shooting at the Inquisitional Squad.

Meg screamed and ran to the other side of the room. She dove and rolled under the table that Naomi and the monkey were playing Shoots-and-Ladders on, just before all four of the Spaniards fell to the floor dead.

"So who's this big oaf, Dog? Another porn producer with a directing job for you?" Stewie said snidely, jumping up onto Meg's stool.

"Actually, this is my new best friend who's been chipping in for martinis."

Stewie remaining eye widened with shock. "W- w-wait a minute, what do you mean your new best-What about- oh I get it, your joking."

Stewie laughed unconvincingly. Brian didn't blink.

"Your- you're serious aren't you? But- what about me? I thought _I_ was your best friend! I mean all right, so maybe I framed you for wetting the sofa that one time, and shot you a couple of times when you didn't pay back the fifty you owed my, but we sang _show tunes_ together for g-d sake!"

Brian set down his 78th empty glass. "Fuck off Stewie."

Stewie gasped, and covered his mouth.

"Well fine then, have it your own damn way! When I take over the world, you both shall fight to the death!" he hoped down from the stool and ran-walked to a small door. "YOU WILL ALL DIE IN AGONY!" He exclaimed. He threw open the thin door and stormed inside, only to smack into the insides of an old-fashioned grandfather clock.

"Still think you've got it bad?" Brian asked Chakotay. Before waiting for an answer, Brian snaped his fingers and called, "Waiter!"

"Paris is worse." Chakotay said draining his glass.

Several screams and bangs of rifles suddenly erupted around them. The Borg were entering the Drunken Clam!

"WHO LEFT THE DOOR OPENED?" The owner yelled, as a drone assimilated him behind the counter, making him drop the tray of martini glasses he'd been carrying.

Meg stood by the open front door, whistling, as drones marched over the dead Spanish Inquisition.


	5. Borg Alliance

Janeway was in the mess hall, educating Peter in the technologies of Voyager.

"This is called a _spoon_."

Peter didn't answer right away. When he did, all he said was, "I want my Batman glass."

Luckily for him, Janeway's com. badge chose that moment to chirp.

"Tuvok to Janeway."

"What is it Tuvok?" she answered, not noticing Quagmire lurking behind a table with a pair of binoculars.

"The Borg have entered our hideaway-" some phaser fire interrupted, "We" (_spew spew!_) "- require assistance."

She and Peter rushed to the bridge.

"Beam them out!" she yelled.

"I can't get a lock, transporter's offline." Ensign Vorik replied.

Janeway glared at Peter, who was standing next to Voriks' exploded, smoking, consol with shifting eyes.

"Uh…she did it." He pointed at Lois.

"We'll have to take another shuttle craft. I'll go this time."

"Wait," Peter narrowed his eyes. "I'm going with you."

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Meg was quite pleased with her work. So was Chris, after the Borg assimilated the monkey. Janeway and Peter ran to the Drunken Clam with phaser rifles, but Janeway stopped him at the door.

"These weapons may work on the Borg at first, but they can adapt! So we have to be quick, and be extremely cautious-"

"Yah, yah." Peter answered.

They each put on a pair of sunglasses and turned to the open door. They fired the weapons like machine guns, until the Drones had adapted. Then they tossed the guns away and began the hand-to-hand combat. While Janeway was beating two drones with a baseball bat (borrowed from Cleveland's wife), another was strangling Peter against the counter.

"Peter, catch!" Harry Kim tossed him two wine bottles, which Peter used to smash the drones head like a sandwich.

Brian was firing a Tommy gun from behind the counter, where the other crewmembers were shooting phasers. Neither he nor Chakotay was sober enough to fear the Borg at the moment. When the Borg adapted to Brian's bullets, some of them bounced off the drones and resulted in a shelf of bottles crashing down onto Tom and the last crewmen.

"Follow us to the shuttle!" Janeway yelled over the ruckus.

She and Peter lead Tuvok, Seven, Meg, Chris, Naomi, and B'Elanna and Harry who were supporting a bloody Tom, out into the street, with Brian and Chakotay stumbling along behind. The shuttle was back at the devastated Griffin house, parked in the remains of the living room. On the TV, the two News Reporters were making wisecracks at each other as usual.

"Yes, robot zombies are taking over the world, like a bad '50s movie come to life. OH G-D, THERE'S ONE HERE NOW! Oh wait, that's just you without your makeup on."

"A 'without makeup' joke? ." The female reporter retorted. "Seriously?"

"I'd like to see you do better." He muttered. "…And now to our next story, Pelicans on Acid."

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On beach, two pelicans swooped down onto a rock. The first whispered, "You got it?"

"Yah!" the second replied.

He opened his mouth and pulled a bag of drugs out from inside his large beak.

"Let's see is this your- no this is Amy's crack- well hang on a second I know it's in here,"

Two bags of pot, several dead fish (including Nemo), one crushed beer can, a hairdryer, a stack of Playboy magazines, the singing group of Hansen, and one banana peal later, he realized he didn't have it.

"Oh no I- I'm really sorry man, I, I think I might have swallowed it by mistake when I was flying over herehehe,HEHAHAHAHA!!" he flapped his wings and somersaulted into the air, leaving his angry client on the rock.

The gang piled into the shuttle.

"Tom get us out of here!" Janeway ordered.

"He's injured, he can't fly!" B'Elanna said.

"Acknowledged. Chakotay, take the helm!"

"Yes _hic_ Ca'pn."

The shuttle backed up quickly, knocking a few bricks out of the wall, then rocked awkwardly into the air like a dying fly.

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"Remember what I told you Meg," Stewie said to himself, watching them from his Borg screen.

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"Eh, which way're we going again?" Chakotay slurred.

"_Up_." B'Elanna hissed.

The shuttle zoomed upward into the clouds, crashing into the bottom of a Borg cube. Meg seized the opportunity to sneak into the back room. She hit several buttons on the controls, hoping she was shutting down something crucial.

"They're trying to get us in a tractor beam!" Seven reported.

"Shields!" Janeway yelled.

Chakotay pressed some buttons but nothing happened.

"Sheilds, SHEILDS YOU DRUNKEN IDIOT!"

"Hey now," Brian slurred and held up a finger, as if to make a fair point, but passed out before he could say anything.

"He pressed the right controls," Harry said. "The shields are offline!"

"Someone get us out of here!"

"Ooo, I wanna fly da rocket ship!" Chris said, shoving Chakotay out of the way.

To everyone's surprise, Chris did a fine job. He actually managed to save them from the cube and squeeze them back through the time portal. Janeway considered offering the boy a position on her ship, now that she compared him to the rest of her ragtag crew.

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"Damn you Meg, why didn't you shut off their bloody warp core?"

Stewie was in a Borg sphere, watching Chris save the shuttle. Stewie was back in the future at least, which was precisely where _they_ all were now. There was hope for his plan yet.

He turned and paced the room, ignoring the drones walking and regenerating around him, and the pile of the former Queen's remains.

"I need some way of luring them into a trap, Rupert." He thought aloud to his teddy bear, which now had a Borg claw and blinking eye. "But how? How shall I do it?"

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"I want to know why our shields just failed on us like that!" Janeway yelled at B'Elanna.

"Sure. Just let me see how Tom's doing, all right."

B"Elanna headed for sickbay, where Tom was recovering from having twenty glass bottles shatter over him. Also there were Chakotay and Brian, staring at the ceiling with miserable hangovers.

"I know," Lois was telling The Doctor, "I haven't had much to do around here either, just sort of make comments and stand in the background."

"Well you're really not that interesting of a character." Tom said honestly.

Lois slapped him.

While B'Elanna and Tom were snogging, Meg entered.

"What?" The Doctor snapped.

"Oh, I was just uh, wondering about that cool glowing thing in Engineering." She stammered.

"You mean the warp core?" B'Elanna asked, looking up. "Yah, I can show you it later on. I know a lot more about it than he does." She nodded at The Doctor.

Brian asked, stiffening a yawn with his paw, "If you're a hologram why can't you program yourself some hair?"

Meg left just as The Doctor was strangling the dog ("Let go of me you jackass!").


	6. Investigations

Constance Goodheart screamed!

Chaotica laughed manically!

Captain Proton's blond secretary was trapped within a giant glass bottle, with a cork on top.

"This is the perfect trap for Proton!" Chaotica declared, in his black-and-white castle. "When he comes to rescue his ravishing secretary, he will be mine! Muahahahahaa- what?" he glanced at his henchmen, and at Satan's Robot, who were both staring at him, each with one raised eyebrow.

"_What?_" he repeated. "I mean 'mine' as in 'I'll be able to kill him'!" when they still didn't seem convinced, he added, "I love Queen Arachnia, remember?"

Constance screamed!

"Oh yah, thanks for reminding me. Henchmen, activate the device!"

Chaotica's henchmen pressed several buttons on the bottle. It began to fill with frothing beer. Constance screamed. And then…the window behind the bottle smashed! In on three ropes swung…

"Captain Proton!" Chaotia sneered, as Tom flipped off his roped and landed in a kneeling position, holding up his blast gun.

"And Buster Kincaid!" Harry said, copying Tom and landing beside him.

Tom also added, "And…uh,"

Chis finished, landing clumsily and crushing Harry. "Dudley Apeslayer!"

"…which is connected with isotopic nanograms, that react to the thrusters to allow us into hyper time…"

B'Elanna's techno babble was putting Meg to sleep, as she stared into the warp core's churning shades of blue.

"…and so it's because of these gel packs that Voyager is allowed to go to warp."

Meg's eyes burst fully open. "So no gel packs means no warp?"

"That's what I just said isn't it?" answered B'Elanna. "I have to go to a Ready Room meeting now,"

"You do?" she asked, forgetting to conceal her joy.

"Yah so I'll have to finish showing you around later."

"Wait, where did you say they were kept?"

"The gel packs? Uh, second level, third compartment to the right of the elevator. Or wait- maybe it was the right compartment to the third- oh well it's up there." She hurried out of the room.

At last she was gone, and all Meg could see now were crewmen standing or walking around, trying hard to look busy. She rode the funky elevator up to level two, and yanked open compartment after compartment until she found the right one. She looked around to see that no one was watching her, and emptied it. Then she sneaked into a Jeffery's Tube with the gel packs, crawling along until she reached an air lock. After dumping them all into space (accidentally losing a crewmen along with) she ran back to the quarters the Griffins had been assigned. She pulled one of Voyager's laptops onto the table and contacted Stewie.

"You'd better have some good news this time, you wrenched-"

"I dumped all their gel packs into space, so after they run out of power they wont be able to go to warp again!"

"Excellent," Stewie said rubbing his tiny hands together. "Yes…most excellent! I can chase them around the universe until they've got nothing left, and then victory shall be mine! Well done, Megan! I promise when I take control of the galaxy, your assimilation shall be quick and painless."

Meg signed off with a grin. It was wiped off her face though when she heard a voice from behind.

"Meg, whaddare you doing?"

Meg screamed and jumped a foot in the air. "Chris! Um, mind your own business."

"You're helping da robots, aren't you!"

_Holy crap_, Meg thought, _I wouldn't have though Chris would be able to work that out! _

"I'm telling Mom!"

"YOU'D BETTER NOT!"

The senior officers plus Lois, Brian, and Peter were in the Ready Room shouting at each other.

"I just wanna know where Stewie's been…" Lois said.

Janeway was telling off Peter again. "I'm the Captain of this ship, I'LL be giving the orders here-"

"You're not the one whose century is under attack!"

"Peter do you even know what century you're from?" snapped Brian, lighting a cigarette.

"Sure I do! It's uh...oh hang on don't tell me Rhode Island!"

Meg and Chris burst into the room.

"HE'S LYING!"

"MOM, MEG'S HELPING THE BAD GUYS!"

"No I'm not!" Meg said loudly. "I was just-"

"Stewie took over the robots, and I saw Meg talking to him!"

"I was just checking to see how Stewie was, you know. He's been hiding under the couch lately but he's onboard." she assured Lois.

"No, she said she was gonna stop the ship from going fast!"

"Oh yah, and I guess the evil monkey who lives in your closet was helping too." Meg said rolling her eyes.

Everyone else laughed but Lois.

"Chris, you really shouldn't make up stories like that." Lois said in a sympathetic tone.

"Fine, I'll make you all believe me. I'm going back for evidence!"

"Oh this is ridiculous." Meg threw her hands in the air and stomped out of the room.

As soon as she was in the hallway, she contacted Stewie again on a wall panel.

"Stewie, Chris knows about the plan! What do I do?"

"_Leave him to me_." He said rubbing his hands together, his football shaped head ablaze with schemes.

Chris waddled into the Griffin quarters without bothering to turn on the lights. The laptop was still on the table. He slammed it shut and tucked it under his arm.

_Hehehee…_

"Who's there?" Chris asked, his head darted back and forth.

A shadow fell over him. Chris bit his lip with worry. He slowly turned around…and came face to face with a Borg monkey, pointing at him accusingly.

"_AAAAAAHHHHHGGGG!!!!!!!_"


	7. The Star Wars Ripoff

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, you guys rock

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, you guys rock!

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Brian and Chakotay now had to hold back Peter and Janeway, to keep them from pummeling one other for the thirtieth time.

"No smoking in my Ready Room." Janeway called across the table to Brian. "Bad dog."

"How dare you speak to me like that!"

Voyager chose this moment to be hit by a transwarp torpedo, sending every person in the room rolling in a different direction.

"Crap, not again!" Harry shouted

"What, can't you guys go ten minutes without someone trying ta' blow you up?" Peter snapped.

As they all scrambled to the bridge, the ship shook so much they almost had to grab the walls to keep from being knocked to the ground (like Lois was. Peter pointed and laughed).

"Battle Stations!" Janeway yelled over the com.

Everyone stayed exactly where they were, except one crewman who shifted to the wall panel on the other side of her neighbor.

While Seven began typing furiously at her tiny consol, a smirking Quagmire slowly descended upside-down from the ceiling behind her, peeking through his binoculars.

"Talk about perfection baby! Ya want me to meet you in your cargo bay tonight and let me penetrate your hull? _OH!_" he jeered.

She stung him with her assimilation tubes, without turning around or stopping to type with her other hand. He fell from the ceiling and landed on his head with an "Omph!" and a thud.

"Onscreen." Janeway said gulping coffee once more.

"Aye Captain." Brian (Tom's new co-pilot) turned it on, taking a swig from a tiny bottle of Vodka and tossing it behind him at Chakotay, who caught it, took a swig himself, and tossed it back.

They were greeted with about 70 Borg cubes and additional smaller vessels, all lead by the Borg Sphere.

"_HE-em_ Star Wars _HEM_ Rip-off" Peter coughed when he saw the sphere.

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"FIRE AT WILL!" King Stewie commanded.

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BOOM!

"Waaagghh!"

Once more, everyone rolled in opposite directions. Lois ended up smacking forward into Tom, who'd rolled left, while Brian and Janeway hit against the back wall. Tuvok and Harry somehow ended up switching stations.

"Where's Meg?" Peter looked around, not noticing her muffled yells from underneath his fat ass.

They all recovered their seats and stations and fired a few shots back.

"Tom, get us out of her, maximum warp!"

"Aye Captain!"

Voyager sped away, with the Borg armada in hot pursuit. For a while it went just as Stewie had planned. The ship was chased strait passed a gold star, through a sunspot, through purple stardust, over a floating space rock, and finally up to a gas giant with beautiful rings.

"There's something familiar about all this," Janeway observed.

"NO!" Tom hollered, then turned to Janeway. "We've lost the ability to go to warp!"

"_What?_"

"_Torres to the Bridge! I don't know what happened, but we're suddenly out of gel packs!_"

Meg grinned.

Tom turned back to his station. "We can still out-maneuver 'em."

And with that, he took Voyager into the planet's asteroid rings.

"You're not actually taking us _into_ an asteroid field!" exclaimed B'Elanna, who'd snuck onto the Bridge wile no one was looking.

"They'd be crazy to follow us!"

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"What the hell?" Stewie watched Voyager enter the asteroids. "What's that?" he asked Rupert. "Don't be ridicules Rupert, of course I'm not following them in! Drones, send in some cubes after them! Six of Nine, fetch me some Cocoa Puffs, half a bowl, 2-percent milk, with two bags of sugar on top."

The drones heard and obeyed.

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Tom swerved them between the asteroids. Seven Borg cubes dared to follow. Every body was caught in the moment; the excitement, the speed, and the Star Wars asteroid-field music, which Peter and Harry saw was coming from a band playing against the left wall of the Bridge, John Williams conducting. They all got into the "Aah!"s and gasps and "Woa!"s when the ship rocked, and the "Ooooo!"s when the Borg vessels smashed into asteroids and exploded. The giant space-slug that tried to chomp Voyager but missed by three inches was possibly the best part.

"Right," Stewie said. "We'll just have to go with Plan B. Take us into the asteroid field, target their shield generator and beam up as many of them as you can!"

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"We did it!" Lois cheered as everyone hugged each other- even Peter and Janeway.

That was when a loud hum began, feint at first but getting louder. They all stared up like turkeys as a shadow fell over the bridge (Peter cross-eyed).

"My g-d," Tom whispered, craning his neck. Then he pointed up at the thing. "I've never seen any balloon like that before!"

"I'll take that as a compliment." The clown said, pulling his giant beer-bottle-shaped balloon passed the crew. He had some trouble squeezing it into the turbo lift.

"Oh here let me help you with that." Peter offered.

In the process of pushing it through he popped it. The mammoth bottle of _Midweiser_ shot around the bridge with the air farting out of its cap. It landed over Peter's head like a blanket. Laughing, he pulled it off. Almost instantly he was silenced and his eyes went wide and cross-eyed again when another hum and shadow fell over them. And this time, yes, it was Stewie's Cube.

_BOOM!_

"They've knocked out our shield generator!" Harry reported.

"Where _is_ you shield generator, anyway?" Brian asked.

Tom shurggged. "I didn't even know we had one, I just thought the sheilds just came out of nowhere and surrounded the shi…"

Tom turned green, swirley colors.

"NO! TOM!" Harry jumped over in a stupid attempt to grab his best friend and stop him from getting beamed away by the Borg. Then Harry and Tom were both green swirley colors. Then they were off Voyager.

Without even thinking, Brian pounded a button at the helm and took them far away from the cube. Voyager flew to a cloud of red space dust, stretched out, and flew away at max. warp.

"How'd you do that?" Meg demanded. "I thought you were out of gel packs and couldn't go to warp!"

"I thought we were," B'Elanna said, "but apparently we have some spares! And you won't believe where I found them!"

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Way back a few minutes ago, while they were still under attack, B'Elanna had been running around the smoking Engineering room and yelling at people when she bumped into a metal trashcan, knocking off the lid.

"OW! G-d fucking dammit- hey, what's this?" she reached in and pulled out several blue gel packs.

Oscar the Grouch stuck his head out to yell. "Hey what are you doing barging into my trashca- oh, oh crap,"

"Oscar have you been stealing from my tool kits again?"

"Uh…"

She punched him in the mouth, knocking his whole trashcan over and into a consol, which exploded.

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The briefing room was completely silent. A rarity lately, Janeway noticed. The remaining members of the Griffin family and Senior Staff sat around the not-quite-round table (so that would be everyone minus Stewie, Chris, Tom, and Harry).

"Any ideas?" Janeway asked.

"Obviously you must have a sneak onboard," Lois said angrily.

"Not _again!_" Chakotay groaned, smacking his face.

"I mean your power always shuts off right when you need it, that can't just be a coincidence!"

Meg sank back in her seat.

"Actually that happens all the time." B'Elanna said shrugging her folded arms.

"No, Lois is right." The Doctor said. "I managed to bribe the computer into telling me how we lost 98 of our gel packs. Some schmuck took them out of their compartment and tossed them out an airlock! It'll take us months to go back and find them all now!"

"At least we were able to get you back online after your program was disabled," Seven said. "It would have been terrible to lose you. I remember when you first began social lessons with me."

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"Now, repeat after me." The Doctor said, in sickbay. "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain."

"You will be assimilated."

"No, no, no! The _rain_ in _Spain_…"

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"Anything else?" Janeway asked.

Six more seconds of silence followed, in which Tuvok blinked. Finally Peter spoke.

"Who wants ta go on the holodeck–thinggy and play croquet with flamingos and hedgehogs like they do in 'Alice and Wonderland'?"

Everyone shuffled out except the captain and first officer.

"Chakotay I don't think I can do this without a shitload of more coffee! Now we have to save Tom, Harry, and Chris, find out who the schmuck is, fish 300 Borg vessles out of the 21st century, fly around the sector and pick up all of our gel packs!"

"You _have_ been under a lot of stress lately, Kathryn. Why don't you join me for dinner on Holodeck 2 tonight, 0-800 hours? My treat."

"That sounds nice. I'll be there." Janeway left the room.

After the doors closed behind the captain, the person who she'd thought was Chakotay snickered to himself and pulled off the mask.

"He,he. _All right!_"


	8. Slash and a Catfight

A/N: I hope you like Slash…

A/N: I hope you like Slash….

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Tom and Harry found themselves standing in front of some regeneration alcoves on Stewie's Cube, but luckily not assimilated. And they weren't alone.

"Chris?" Tom asked. "How'd you get here?"

"The monkey kidnapped me. I tried to tell you all but you guys wouldn't listen." Chris was staring at the small disks over the alcoves, with what looked like green lightning storms inside them. "Why do your urinals in da future have all these blinky lights and stuff on them?"

"Two? Is, is that all you jackasses managed to capture? Two?" Stewie demanded.

His drones (monkey included) stared dumbly like orcs.

"Uogh, the universe is against me. I know it is. Well I'm sure they'll tell us where Captain Janeway's favorite hiding places are with a bit of persuasion, eh Rupert!"

"Hey, aren't you that baby who came through Neelix's oven?" Harry pointed at Stewie.

"I'll be asking the questions around here! Now tell me, where is Captain Janeway?"

Tom "phhh"ed at the question and made to stroll out of the room. He smacked headfirst into a force field around the space he, Harry, and Chris were, and fell over Family Guy Style.

"Anyone else feeling talkative? No? Well maybe THIS will jog your memories!"

With diabolical relish on his Borgafied face, Stewie ran to a red curtain on the other side of the room and pulled it open. Behind it on a stool sat Locutus of Borg- that is, Captain Picard assimilated. He was holding a large book titled Shakespeare's Greatest. He began;

"_Two houses, both alike in dignity. In fair Verona where we lay our scene…_"

Three girlish screams began.

"…'_I say, do you bite your thumb at me sir?'_

'_No, but I do bite my thumb sir.'"_

"Tom, this is even worse than the time we had a basilisk living in the Jeffrey's Tubes!" Harry wined.

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Harry was crawling as fast as he could through the Jeffofrey's Tubes screaming, followed by a train of ten screaming crewmen. Gaining on them was the giant fork-tongued snake, hissing. As it got faster it ate the first crewmen, then the second, and so on. When it finally ran out of crewmen, it made a chomp at Harry but wound up smashing into a wall instead. Harry was climbing up the ladder to the next deck. He laughed, until he caught the snake's reflection in the metal wall! It glared at him, boring its huge red eyes into his. Harry froze up and fell off the ladder like a statue, petrified.

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Romeo hadn't even crashed Juliet's party before the three cracked and gave Stewie a detailed description of exactly the type of nebulas Janeway liked to hide the ship in when it was vulnerable, as well as what kind underwear Chris was wearing ("Wonder Woman!").

"Tom, we failed! It's so awful," Harry sobbed.

Tom hugged him. Harry hugged back. They stayed that way for a minute, then hugged a little glosser. After a few more seconds they started to kiss and make out. Chris leaned away from them, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

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On Voyager's holodeck, Lois, The Doctor, Seven, B'Elanna, and a crewmen were beating Peter, Brian, Neelix, Naomi, and Meg in a game of hedgehog croquet (Neelix smiling like a bug-eyed idiot). The Doctor, with a snide look on his face as he tryed to look "sophisticated", swung his flamingo and got his hedgehog through all of the right rings.

"Brian I can't believe we're losing to a hologram! A bald one too!"

The Doctor's flamingo came flying over and hit Peter on the head.

"_Oph!_"

Then there was a crashing sound, as if something had just broken through the wall, and Quagmire came flying into Peter's head.

"_OPH!_" Peter was knocked over.

Janeway appeared on the other side of the hole in the wall, wearing a fancy black dress and seething with fury, her fist clenched. Then the real Chakotay's voice came in over the com.

"Everyone important to the bridge! We're receiving a ransom message!"

They all dropped their flamingos and ran out of the holodeck, except the crewmen, who of course didn't count as someone important. So she stood and waited in the croquet field. After a minute or two the pink flamingo she was holding shot up and hit her in the head with his beak. She fell down with a loud thud. Dark blood slowly oozed from her dead body.

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The bridge was instantly filled again. Janeway somehow was back in her uniform. As soon as the doors had opened, Seven and Chakotay looked up, stopped kissing and broke apart, typing at their stations as if nothing had happened. Janeway glared flames at Seven (literally). Brian gave Chakotay a thumbs up. Everyone then turned their attention to the view screen. On it was guess who.

"Stewie, you're not supposed to be playing on a Borg Cube without Mommy's permission!" Lois exclaimed putting her hands on her hips.

"Oh put a sock in it Lois. I'm taking over the galaxy now, and there's nothing you can do about it! I'm going to kill you, once and for all! And I've also got Voyager's best pilot and er… well I've got two other prisoners!"

Behind him Harry and Tom were on the floor, still making out. Chris was wining "Gross!" and covering his eyes. The people on the Bridge stared.

"How's Tom's girlfriend reacting to all this?" Meg muttered to Naomi.

Next to them, B'Elanna was recording the entire thing with a video camera. "I will allow him to cheat only if he allows me to watch." she decided.

"I knew you were up to something again Stewie," Brian accused. "You're the one who's been sabotaging Voyager!"

"O-contraire, Dog. I've been with the Borg almost the whole time. It's Meg here you should be thanking! And I do mean thanking, because no matter how much I shout at her to get off her lazy ass and help me, you people still manage to slip through my fingers!"

"Meg how could you!" That was Naomi for you.

All eyes turned to Meg.

"Way to blow my cover Stewie!"

"Oh loosen up Meg, you're still going to be assimilated. " Stewie assured her. "The collective is nigh invincible! The only thing that could destroy the Borg Queen was the contents of this vial that I invented!" he held up the tiny vial, which was still half full.

"Thanks for telling us all that." Janeway said.

"Oh why you're quite welcome."

Stewie thought this over for a moment. Then his eye bulged (his other eye was a flashlight, remember), his lower eyelid came up as he glanced around with worry. "D'Ooooo!" He stomped his foot and began to have a temper tantrum, running and jumping all around the view screen, while fitting in rants about how fate had a personal grudge against him, how all his ingenuity had gone to waste, and detailed descriptions of how he would kill them all (Paris and Kim still making out behind him).

"…Resistance is futile!" he finished heaving, his face purple.

Lois laughed, and shook her head. "Stewie and his silly baby talk."

"BABY TALK?!" B'Elanna hollered. "YOUR KID IS COMPLETLEY F-CKED UP! HE TOOK OVER THE BORG COLLECTIVE AND ASSIMILATED YOUR ENTIRE HOMETOWN! HE PLOTS WORLD DOMINATION AND WANTS YOU HIS OWN MOTHER DEAD! HOW COULD YOU PEOPLE POSSIBLY NEVER NOTICE—"

Lois calmly slapped B'Elanna. B'Elanna calmly slapped Lois into the back wall. And that did it. The psychotic, untamed teenager that lay under Lois's patient housewife exterior broke loose once again. Lois roared like a madwoman and threw herself at B'Elanna, starting a catfight.

While that was happening Janeway said to Tuvok, "Target the cube's shields and beam the vial over."

"I cannot fire on the cube Captain." He responded.

"Why the hell not?"

"Because it is now inside our ship."

Lois dropped B'Elanna, who in turn released her grasp around Lois's neck, and everyone gasped in unison, "The Mess Hall!"

Music from the movie "Clue" played as they all followed the butler Tim Curry down the hall.

"Meg, _why_ would you want to help the Borg?" Naomi asked in a betrayed voice, jogging next to Meg. "They're mean!"

"I'm sorry okay!"

A short, feint, scream came from somewhere on the deck, followed by a tiny blast.

"But why would you want to be a drone? You can't do anything fun! You can't play pirates on the holodeck, you can't play Kadis-Kot, you can't watch Adult Swim behind your mom's back, it's boring as all hell!"

The doors to the Mess Hall opened. A single dead crewmen sat at a table with his face in his bowl of Count Chocula cereal and a tiny transwarp torpedo in his back. Stewie's now dice-sized cube was on its way to the glowing oven. Neelix popped up from behind the counter and smacked it with his spatula. Peter caught it.

"Yes!" Janeway cheered.

He held it up to his face, listening to the itsy squeaky collective demanding release, and executed his annoying Peter Griffin laugh. The cube shot him in the eye.

"Ow!" he dropped it to the ground.

"No!" Janeway's voice sank. "Grab it, grab it!"

Brian made a grab for it but the tiny ship stumbled back into the air right before his paw could smack over it. His face was flattened by the floor. Several others tried to catch it but the cube eluded them all and flew through the oven.

Once it was through it grew to its original size, making a sound like a balloon inflating. Nevertheless, being hit by the spatula and dropped onto the metal floor had done it damage; Stewie could only get his vessel as far as the Griffins' front yard before it broke down and landed in the middle of the street.

"Blast!" Stewie grabbed Chris's hat and threw it down in disgust.

Janeway's finger shot into the air. "After it!"

"I second that!" Peter agreed.

The lot ran through the oven except Brian and Chakotay.

"Captain, wait-"

"Oh no, no no no no NO!" Janeway stuck her head back out of the oven and grabbed her first mate by the shirt. "This is our moment of triumph Chakotay, I don't want to hear ANY of your 'risky' or 'consequences' crap!" She released him and vanished back through the time portal.

Sighing, he walked over and knelt down next to Brian. The dog groaned, rubbing his flattened nose.

"I guess this is where pugs come from." Brian grumbled.

Chakotay kindly popped Brian's snout back into its correct shape.

"Thanks."

"No problem. We'd better hurry."

They got up and ran out of the Mess Hall.

0000000000000

A/N: Balls.


	9. A Fowl Endgame

In 2006, Peter, Janeway, and the gang ran through the still smoking remains of the house and into the cracked street. They surrounded the cube. Drones began marching out, but the good guys showed no fear. Intuitively, they reached to their belts, pulled out their weapons, and pointed them at the Borg.

"Shoot them!" Janeway ordered.

They tried to shoot, but there were no phaser blasts. They looked down, and around at each other, to see that they were all holding up their finger guns.

"Looking for these?" Brian asked.

He and Chakotay were standing behind the crowd, holding large weapon cases and wearing several phaser rifles slung over their shoulders. The others' eyes shifted with embarrassment.

_Armed_, they charged passed the dead drones and into the cube.

"Stewie! Get down here, right now!" Lois yelled.

B'Elanna just shook her head.

Each person had a weapon; Janeway, Peter, and Seven of Nine got the big phaser rifles, The Doctor a Klingon Bat'lah, Torres a machete, and the rest just had the little boring phasers.

"Hi mom!" Chris ran strait through the force field, which was buzzing and visibly blinking on and off.

Tom and Harry stopped making out.

"Hey look, the force field's down!"

"Oh, so it is."

They stared for a second. Then they went back to making out.

The Doctor slashed a Borg table in half with his Bat'lah. Stewie was hiding behind.

"Here he is!"

"Stewie tell Mommy where the vial is..."

"_Say your prayers bitch!_" He aimed his ray gun at her.

"…and then we can go to Chukkie Cheeses."

The gun clamored to the ground.

"Ooo! Ooo! I want to go to Chukkie Cheeses…" Stewie bounced around the walls and ceiling like and Anime character.

Peter looked around the room with a distant expression on his face. "I sense something, a presence I've not felt since…" he trailed off.

"The vial's right here." Stewie reached down his black pants and rummaged around his diaper. "Where did it go? Where is it? NO! I can't've lost it. I HAVE to go to Chuckie Cheeses dammit,"

"Who could have taken it?" The Doctor inquired.

"I didn't." Chris assured them.

"Not us." Said Tom. He and Harry were now lying under a blanket, smoking cigarettes.

"Tom! You're alive!" B'Elanna leaped over and crushed him.

Peter was as confused as everyone else about the missing vial. That is, until he saw a flash of yellow out of the corner of his eye.

"No," he whispered. "It _can't be_…"

"Peter?" Lois inquired.

Peter tiptoed around a corner, taking slow large steps, until he was out of sight. Then there was a smack, followed by a kick, and a loud squawk. Peter rolled back into sight, punching and kicking the infamous giant yellow chicken. The crowd stared.

"HE'S GOT THE VIAL!" Peter explained pinning the bird down and strangling it.

The chicken clucked for air. The top of the vial twinkled in its feathery pocket.

Then all hell broke loose.

With another loud squawk, the chicken threw Peter off it and the kickboxing continued. The first few phaser blasts missed them both. Then Naomi fired a blast that would have hit the bird square in the heart, but the chicken saw it coming and yanked Peter in front of itself so that it hit him in the back instead. The chicken ran to a wooden coffee table, which stood randomly against the right Borg wall, and kicked it into the air. It spun into Lois, Janeway, and Tuvok, who were in the front of the crowd, and knocked them over. The domino effect followed. When this happened, some phasers went off and blasted holes all over the left wall and ceiling. The chicken gave them a two-finger salute and dove out one of the holes in the wall.

Peter wiped blood off his face and followed it out. Brian tossed Tom and Harry one of the weapon cases. "Grab a weapon!"

"Sweet!" Tom said.

He reached in and pulled out a green light saber. Harry took out a pink flamingo from the croquet game.

The group jumped out onto the street after Peter, but he held up his hand.

"No, no. This is between _me_ and _him_!"

He squinted and searched the perimeter. He found the mammoth poultry disappearing down the road in a dented Taxi. A look of vengeance came over his face, and he raced down the street after it.

"Taxi!" he shouted waving at some other passing cabs.

Janeway threw down her gun. "Screw him, this is the moment of truth! I want in on this fight!" she followed Peter down the road screaming "Taxi!" along with him.

Stewie shrugged. "So uh, anyone feel like seeing if…I don't know…if Baskin Robin's still standing, or...?"

"Oh sure." Naomi agreed.

"Yah, whatever." Brian said.

"Sounds good." Tom mumbled.

0000000000

Peter and Janeway were in the back seat of a cab that was gaining on the chicken's. They were on the highway, on a wide bridge that stretched over a river.

"Get us closer to that taxi!" Janeway demanded, then turned to Peter. "I've got a plan."

Once the cars were close enough, Peter and Janeway jumped out their windows- sending glass flying everywhere- and through the chicken's. The first driver continued as if nothing had happened. While Peter grabbed the chicken by the shoulder and started punching it in the face, Janeway literally kicked the driver out of the car and took over the steering wheel. Peter had two black eyes now and he and the chicken were both covered in bruises, but he managed to get it tangled up in a seatbelt so it was trapped. He pulled the vial out of its pocket.

"Got it!" he said stuffing it into his shirt pocket.

Janeway stomped down on the accelerator. The taxi tore through traffic sending cars, a purple pimpmobile, an ice cream truck, and the Mystery Machine flying in all directions. When they were a few yards from the edge of the bridge she hollered, "NOW!"

They somersaulted out opposite car doors.

The chicken finally wormed itself out of the seatbelt. Then it looked up at the windshield, and gasped. The chicken let out a long, final squawk as the car soared off the bridge and hit the water. The splash was several times the height of the bridge, and showered it like a small tidal wave. Janeway and Peter, sopping wet, looked over the railing.

"You know Captain, I think that's the fastest I've ever beaten that chicken!"

"Well let's not wallow in our grief." Janeway said, and they turned to leave.

00000000000

Meanwhile, at the bottom of the river, the taxi landed on its side in the mud and seaweed. Fish swam passed it. The chicken's leg stuck out from one opened door. And then it twitched.

0000000000000

Much later, Voyager's whole crew and the whole Griffin family, plus a few of Peter's friends, were back in the Mess Hall celebrating their victory with another one of Neelix's parties.

"Thanks fer' telling your drones to clear out of our city Stewie," Cleveland said.

Stewie was now looking like his regular self, the Borg implants gone.

"Well your welcome, but they're really not my drones any longer. I drank the rest of the vial and let the Old Queen have her collective back." He took a swig from his sippy-cup.

"Then what's to stop _her_ from assimilating everybody?" cried Joe.

"Well of course we left a diversion with her, you idiot. She won't try anything right now."

0000000000000

"Oh Glen, this is…perfection!"

The Borg Queen set her empty wine glass down on the table and walked to her regeneration alcove. Quagmire followed her.

"Pretty interesting beds you got here, Your Highness. I haven't done it standing up in a wile! _Oh!_"

0000000000000000

The socializing continued at the party.

"So you never smile no matter what?" Stewie asked Tuvok.

"I see no useful purpose in doing so."

"So I could like, tell you all the dirty jokes I know and you still wouldn't?"

"But Meg," Lois wined, "I still don't understand why you wanted to sell us all to the Borg. Why would you possibly want to live in a world like that?"

Stewie was now mooning Tuvok.

"How about this Vulcan, is this funny? Aren't you even insulted?"

Tuvok didn't even blink.

Stewie scoffed, rolled his eyes, and pulled his diaper and overalls back up. "G-d, you are _the_ most boring person I've ever met! I'll have to find someone else to torture." He scuttled away from Tuvok and looked around. He spotted Harry Kim.

"Hmm…" he fast-walked over to the ensign.

Meg answered Lois's question.

"Because we're all freaks, that's why!" she stood up and started pointing at people. "I mean look at us! Our baby wants to take over the world, the dog talks, that lady's half machine, B'Elanna's half alien, The Doctor's bald," (he frowned angrily) "Dad's friend is a sexaholic…"

"Well then I hope you all learned something today." Brian replied. "We're all freaks in some way, shape, or form."

"And no matter how different we are," Chakotay added, "We're still one big-"

They both were showered with tomatoes, other rotten vegetables, and a dagger. The last missed whichever one it was aimed at, flew between them, and hit Neelix. He collapsed behind the counter, dropping his tray of fruitcake.

"Well I give up." Brian said.

"Me too."

They sat down at the counter. Chakotay leaned over the counter and ordered two martinis from Neelix.

Everybody else shared a corny laugh while happy, cartoony music played from nowhere. While they did so, Stewie (laughing too) reached into Tuvok's belt, pulled out his phaser, set it to the highest setting and vaporized Lois.

THE END


End file.
